Tag Archives: humor

The Fashion Industry Is Trying To Kill Me

I used to keep a blog by this title. In it I posted links to articles about 20 year old girls stepping off fashion runways and dying of heart attacks. I stopped posting for a while. But the media is still telling me that my best look is emaciated famine victim. I disagree. So I juxtapose 2 images against each other to remind myself what true feminine beauty looks like.

Today’s installment:

Erdem Wilhemina 3/4-Sleeve Floral Sheath Dress ($840 at Neiman Marcus)

Erdem Sheath ($840 at Neiman Marcus)

Neiman Marcus shows me that if I stop eating and bathing for six months, I too can be worthy of this expensive Erdem (which sounds a little like “murder” when read backwards) dress.

Or…

Fuzzi, Sizes 14-24 ($595) at Saks

Fuzzi, Sizes 14-24 ($595 at Saks)

Saks Fifth Avenue shows me that if I keep eating a healthy diet, exercise, and lay off the heroine, I can embrace my curves and look like a beautiful woman in this expensive Fuzzi dress.

Stopping by Boxes on the Moving Day

Whose boxes these are I think I know.
My house is in the suburbs though;
My husband will not see me stopping here
To watch the boxes fill up with crap.

My little plant must think it queer
To stay without a sane person to water him near
Between the park and busy road
The forgetfulest woman of the year.

He gives his saucer rocks a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of the puppy’s leg and furry shake.

The boxes are many, tan and deep,
But I have a mannie pettie to keep,
And miles of boxes to go before I sleep,
And miles of boxes to go before I sleep.

— by Allison AABA Garwood

(Inspired by Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost)

The Rules

A resident scowls on the other side of the hedges as he silently counts the number of people at the pool.

A resident scowls on the other side of the hedges as he silently counts the number of people at the pool.

The pool rules are few, but strictly enforced … when it comes to us. A resident is allowed to have 6 people (including said resident) at the pool. That is a great number if you are retired. If you are single, you can have five friends over! If you are a couple, you can invite two couples over! Very fair!

However, if you are a family of three, you can invite one family over IF they only have one child. Or you can tell them to leave a child at home.

If a resident wishes to have more than 6 people (including said resident) at the pool, the resident must submit a request in writing to the board two weeks before the event. If the “party” is approved, the resident must post their intent to party in several locations so that all residents can know about it and have an opportunity to complain about it and force you to cancel.

To be honest, I have never submitted a request. I think the rule is unreasonable for our situation and that the spirit of the law should be held rather than the letter. And that has been a problem for me.

I am currently in hot water and have endured several lectures because I invited our neighbor from across the street to the pool. My neighbor has 4 children. I have one. It was two moms and our kids. But uh oh! That means SEVEN people were at the pool! And wait, it gets worse! My husband got home from work, saw us at the pool and joined us. (Cue Psycho shower music.) Now we had EIGHT people at the pool! The horror!!! Three adults and five kids.

I’ve been yelled at by two different people and received several new copies of the pool rules.

Oh my goodness these people are killing me.